The day was February 1st, one day before my due date. I had just finished writing
this post and was beginning to think that the baby probably wasn't going to make it in time. I spent the rest of the day cleaning the house and running errands with Noah. Although I was having contractions throughout the afternoon I was determined to ignore them since I had been contracting for weeks on end. Around 6:00 pm Noah and I went to Target to pick up some baby wipes and look at their Valentine's Day goodies. After walking around for about 20 minutes I felt something change in my body. Things were happening and I knew I needed to get home. I got Noah to the car and loaded up our bags, but I needed to use the bathroom so we ran back inside. I really hate using public restrooms by the way. It was in that Target bathroom that I saw it...the bloody show, and I knew active labor would begin within a matter of days. On the drive home I called my mom to tell her, and she said "well, you should be having the baby sometime in the next week or so." What?! No way, I knew I wasn't going to make it for another week. I just couldn't.
When we got home I continued cleaning the house, and laid out everything we would need for a trip to the hospital- just in case. After putting Noah to sleep I took a leisurely bath and then headed to bed around 10:30 where I browsed Pinterest on my iPad for a while. Triston joined me around 11 or so and we talked for a while and were just about to fall asleep when I felt a pinch and a pop and I knew my water had broken. Before anything could happen I bolted out of bed and my water gushed onto our wood floor. Triston looked at me in shock as I mumbled, "my water just broke." This had not happened when I was pregnant with Noah, so the experience was a little surprising. Triston went to grab some towels for the floor and urged me to call my mom and our midwife. We both got dressed and within a half an hour my mom was at the house ready to spend the night with Noah. At this point my contractions were building in frequency and intensity. My water broke at 11:30 but we decided to stay put so I could labor at home as long as possible. Although, after an hour and a half I knew it was time to go in. I could feel instinctively that the baby would be coming soon.
I kissed Noah goodbye and layed next to him for a moment while he slept-I missed him already and knew those would be my last moments with him before I became a mother of two. It was so hard to leave him, and all I wanted to do in that moment was drift off to sleep next to him and resume life as usual. I wanted that so badly, and then another contraction came and I knew I had to pull myself away.
During the 10 minute drive to the hospital Triston and I talked in between my now painful contractions. I felt more and more fluid come out with each one, and when I stepped out of the car it was like my water had broken all over again. I waddled up to the quiet labor and delivery floor where I was greeted by a nurse- my midwife had called and they were expecting my arrival. It took about an hour to get through all of the hospital protocol, and answer every mundane question (I hate that about hospitals). I was in a gown lying on a hospital bed, my contractions were strong, and all I wanted to do was get in the bath. When my midwife arrived she checked me (I was 4-5 cm dilated) and then she gave me the okay to get in the tub. The water was such a relief! Our room was dark and quiet, Triston sat next to the tub holding my iPod while I labored in the water listening to my hypno-birthing discs. I stayed focused on the voice on the recording, and tried to relax my body with each contraction. They were steady, about 2-3 minutes apart, and they were painful-more painful than I like to remember. I could feel the contractions radiating in my back, hips, and thighs with electric intensity. After a couple of hours in the water my midwife checked me again, and she said I was at 8 cm. Progress, but that didn't feel like enough. I felt like the pain would never end. At one point during labor I grabbed my midwife's hand, looked into her face and cried, "I just want to go be with Jesus." I sort of laugh at that now, but I remember that pain. I know women often try to describe what labor feels like, but there really are no words to articulate it. I can remember feeling trapped in my own physical agony, without escape, and all I wanted to do was get out of my body- to leave it behind. I felt like I was surely going to die.
When I began to transition, every minute was more painful than the last and I was scared of what my body was doing. I started to feel dizzy and hot, like I was going to throw-up or faint, and so I got out of the tub and leaned over the sink and chewed on some ice. Triston rubbed my back and my midwife fanned me with a wet washcloth. I must have stood there like that, swaying my hips back and forth for an hour. I got back in the tub for a little while because it was the only place where I could find even the slightest bit of relief now. It was not long before my midwife tried to convince me to get out and go to the bed. I didn't want to go there. I just wanted to stay in the water, but I knew the baby was close so I pulled myself up and Triston helped me to the bed. Laying down was excruciating, everything seemed worse in that position. I lied there still undressed from the bath which is funny to me because I am a pretty modest person, but in the midst of labor modesty was the last thing on my mind. I didn't care about my body, clothes didn't matter, only the contractions mattered and getting the baby out. In fact I can remember not wanting anything to touch me. My contractions were right on top of each other, and I was desperate. My midwife wanted to check me again and I pleaded with her not to, I knew it would hurt too much. I wanted to scream through that pain, even more when she said I was only 9 cm. I wanted to get the baby out now! She told me to try and stand up, that maybe changing positions would get rid of that last bit of cervix. My whole body was shaking with adrenaline (called "baby shakes"), it had been doing that on and off for the past couple of hours but now the shaking was intense. I let one more contraction come and started to feel the urge to push. At this point I decided to stand up and lean over the side of the bed.
I could barely hold my body up, but my midwife still thought we had some time so she left the room to grab a cup of tea. All of a sudden the urge to push overtook my body and there was no stopping it. I couldn't control the pushing because my body was mostly doing it on its own. I stood up on my tippy toes fighting the pain, fighting my body, but I wanted him out so badly that I pushed through and squatted down to open up my body. I could feel the baby's head crowning and the nurse ran into the hall calling for my midwife. I remember being in a different place mentally, I remember looking up and seeing Triston standing on the other side of the bed, probably stunned into silence. In the next few moments two nurses and the midwife were at my side laying down plastic and pads on the floor beneath me. I continued to push even when they urged me to slow it down, and Triston came around to watch the baby come out. After a few pushes his shoulders came out, and I let out the loudest scream of my life. I needed that force to get him out. Immediately there was relief and I reached down and pulled him up to my chest. Triston teases me now that it was something out of the Lion King. It was the greatest relief I have ever felt. The cord was around his neck one time and I unwound it in a matter of seconds. He was crying, he was healthy, he was perfect! Julian was finally in my arms!
Our wonderful nurse
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Noah and Julian meet!
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My mom and Julian
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Triston and my mother-in-law
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My birth experience this time around could not have been any more wonderful-I feel remarkably blessed and thankful for everything to have gone as planned and for Julian to be so healthy. I have been amazed at how quickly my body has recovered postpartum, and I mainly attribute this to muscle memory from my first birth and also to having a natural birth. From this experience I feel as though my mind and body were able to stay connected through labor more than they would have been if I would have chosen to cover up the pain with drugs. I feel that I have been able to fully process and understand the trauma that my body went through, which has kept me strong both physically and emotionally postpartum. That more than anything has made me feel empowered as a women and a mother. I feel lucky to have climbed the mountain of labor and natural childbirth, and to have been able to share that experience with my husband- Julian's birth is a memory we will share together forever. We love our two boys!
1 day old
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1 month old
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How quickly they grow...
xxx -Samantha
